This is my testimony of why I am no longer a Christian. It is the story of my life as a Christian, my life before I was a Christian and my life now following Yahuah Elohim and His son Yahushua Ha’Mashiach. The story is quite long and you can always just watch the video. There are a lot of things that are not mentioned in the video though.
My life as a Christian
I became a Christian in April 2013. I started reading the Bible, listening to gospel music, fasting, praying, and pretty much doing everything a genuine Christian should be doing. After a couple of months I started feeling lonely so I prayed to God for a place where I could meet people with the same believe system. Little did I know I lived 200m away from this little church.
When I first became a Christian I was afraid of going to church. Mostly because I know of the manipulation that takes place in most churches. I was already familiar with the stories of the churches from Aruba and thought that it would be the same in the Netherlands. After I prayed I decided to go to the church anyway because of the loneliness. Here I met the most loving people who took me in immediately.
Having lived on the beautiful island of Aruba for 12 years I had become accustomed to the English language and to a certain type of music. So when I turned to Christianity I started looking for the same type of music but with Christian lyrics. When I started going to the little church it was really hard for me to get used to the Dutch songs.
I made some very good friends in this church. After a while one of them started going to an international church. Here they spoke English and also worshipped in English. After a while I started going with her and her family to this church as it was more pleasing to me and my ways in this world (notice me and my). In this international church I met a lot of nice people too and went along with everything for quite some time. There was a problem though; it was far away from my home so it was hard to fellowship with the people I met here.
In the years that I was Christian (April 2013 – September 2018) there was one thing that was always on my mind and one thing only. The word of God is authority in my life. Even though I did not understand everything; I knew He is the TRUE GOD. I was backsliding constantly. I was falling back into addictions constantly, I was having so much difficulty praying, I was constantly rationalizing my sins, I had so much difficulty in regard to reading His Word. You know the drill! I also started feeling fakeness coming of a lot of people, including myself. I was having more and more issues with going to church. Everyone was always acting so nice as if there was nothing wrong with them or in their lives and I was feeling miserable inside. So I decided to stop going to church for a while. I always felt obligated to go and I was exercising my free will. My walk with God did not improve. My life got worse but at least I wasn’t experiencing the fakeness anymore and I didn’t feel the need to be fake anymore either which was a huge relief. I was choosing my steps; I was not conforming to the way the Christian church expected me to be which in itself felt like I had more freedom then when I was going to church.
At a certain point I decided I wanted to go back to church. This time it was a church in the town I am living in. The reason for this was that I thought I needed fellowship or community with other Christians and the previous church was too far away from my home… In the midst of all this I was attending the Freedom in Christ course and I made a bunch of new friends and I started to feel alive again…for a short while! Here also I started feeling the fakeness. Having studied psychology for 4 years, I started attributing the fakeness as coming from myself. I am fake therefore I feel and perceive that everyone else is. I started blocking this feeling out and I started to just force myself to conform to what was happening around me; to just go with the flow. This did not make me happy at all. So I started backsliding again. I started smoking weed again and I stopped going to church every week again… It was easy to backslide because I was forgiven anyway. All my past, present and future sins were forgiven so it was ok to smoke weed. It was ok to give in to my fleshly desires especially because of the “unconditional love”. And I know this is how many people think. Look at the fruits of Christianity in general…
Smoking weed only brought me misery. I was always tired the next day and I was always feeling guilty when I was stoned. Not a good feeling, to say the least, but it didn’t matter what I did, I still kept on smoking. It was driving me crazy!!! I wanted to be sober. I knew I was sinning every time I got high but every time that same thought. “I’m forgiven anyway so let’s smoke one more time”. So one day I decided it was enough. I realized my thinking was too easygoing and too worldly and that I was keeping this addiction a secret, partly because I was ashamed and partly because I thought it was none of anyone’s business. I needed to bring it to light and beg God for help and show Him that I meant it this time. I started telling everyone about my addiction and my struggle with it. I started asking everybody for help and started asking them to pray for me to kick this addiction and also for renewal of mind. I started praying myself for renewal of mind and I went on a fast to humble myself before Him. I also started FORCING myself to read the His Word and I started crying and begging Him to restore to me the joy of His salvation (Psalms 51:12).
My Life before I was a Christian
Before I became a Christian I was pretty deep into the occult and from the time I was 16 to 30 years of age I knew nothing else then to be a lesbian. Having come from the world of the occult and having firsthand experience with demons I was always wondering why Christians never talked about casting out demons, deliverance, or healing by laying on of the hands, something Yahushua clearly tells us are the signs that shall follow us that believe (Mark 16:16-18). He even tells us in John 14:12-14 that we shall do greater things than He did. So why then in every church I attended was this not being taught? Why then does everyone pretend to be “holy” but no one really knows and/or believes what the Scriptures actually say? With my experience it was hard to fathom this complete ignorance of demonic activity all around us. There was some heavy cognitive dissonance going on in my mind. On the one hand I just wanted to conform and on the other hand I just felt like something wasn’t adding up. Every time I would even mention one of these things I would get a blank stare, and answers like “these things are not of this time” and “those were powers only given to those apostles”, or they would somehow wriggle their way into another topic completely avoiding what I just asked them about healing or casting out demons. Everything was dull and fake and superficial. So I was questioning Christianity for a long time already and for a couple of years I was able to act like everything was fine until I couldn’t anymore…Very creepy to say the least! This showed me how indoctrinated and brainwashed the world really is, myself included!
So how did I end up in the occult? And how did I deal with my lesbian lifestyle? I come from a broken family and I was sexually abused as a child. I hated men and I and I had anger issues so I was living a pretty normal life according to worldly standards. This was my life and it was fine up until a certain point. I was going out getting wasted every week, having all kinds of perverse relations with different girls/women. I used all kinds of drugs and even was addicted to cocaine and XTC for quite some time. Thankfully, I never had to go to rehab. I now know that Yahuah was with me all that time because I even tried to suicide different times by means of overdose.
In 2009 I realized that my life was completely and utterly empty. I was in a lesbian relationship at that moment that was a complete wreck. So in order to get my temper under control and to be a better partner I decided to start searching for God. I knew there was a God, I just didn’t know who He was and where and how to search for Him. I started doing research online and started reading about the Illuminati and about the Luciferian globalists. I was getting information about MK-Ultra and about how the world is ruled by people who want to control this world by eventually creating a New World Order. I was reading about the chem-trails and about how they are poisoning us through our food and water. This pushed me into overdrive in looking for God because I was not going to tolerate this craziness. So I started looking for God through reading tarot cards and divination. I started looking for Him by invoking angels which now I know to have been demons. I was looking in witchcraft, Shin Do, Yoga, energy healing… You name it and I have probably done it in my efforts to find God…Except for Satanism and anything that involves sacrifices. I even ended up in 2 different cults and I thank Yahuah I noticed and got out of there before things got more serious. I was so ignorant to the fact that all of the above mentioned stems from the same demonic source.
There was only one thing happening. I was getting more aggressive, I was getting paranoid because everything around me was Illuminati, and I was getting more arrogant by the day. More aggressive because I was unknowingly opening door to all kinds of demons and evil spirits, paranoid because without the protection of Yahuah all this Illuminati information will make you paranoid because you are completely opened up to all kinds of demonic activity which I was already opening all doors for. Becoming more arrogant by the day happens because you think you are better than everyone else because you are working on yourself and everyone else is not. I would always ask myself what was wrong with people not wanting to work on themselves… And to put the cherry on top I was hearing voices and seeing things like auras and sometimes I could sometimes hear what someone was going to say before they said it. I think I even heard a kitten talk to me once… I know! CRAZY right!! It went so far that at a certain point when things were going wrong I would hear like a whole room of people just laughing at me very viciously! I literally felt like I was going NUTS!! This is how I found out that every mental disorder is demonic possession and/or, at least, stems from demonic activity.
So one day, in 2013, I was standing in the bathroom and I looked up and told God “I am looking for you and I feel like I’m going crazy. Please help me find the truth. I just want the truth”. So I was led to the Bible. Reading the Bible (Deuteronomy 18:9-12) I found out I was going in the wrong direction. Everything I thought I knew just came down like a house of cards. Everything I had learned for the last 4 years was a big fat lie. I wasn’t a god! I was communicating with demons, not angels. Well they were angels but fallen ones. All the voices in my head were not spiritual guides but evil demonic spirits which I had let in myself. I was not psychic, I was not able to heal anyone… I was nothing!! I was scared and alone and I didn’t trust anything or anyone anymore. On top of that my relationship was in worse condition than when I started this journey of finding God. So it was hard to be able to just trust “Jesus Christ” but eventually I did and I gave my life to “Him”.
So, what now? I was reading the Bible like a crazy person and everything was going peachy! Then I started encountering the scriptures about homosexuality and how it is an abomination to God (Romans 1:26-27, 1 Timothy 1:8-11, 1 Corinthians 6:9-12). My girlfriend and I were still living together at this point so we decided to just be friends then and there…easier said than done. Even in the dire circumstances it was hard to just be friends so we decided to keep the relationship going, but there was this feeling of it not being right…just what we needed on top of everything else that was already going on. The relationship kept getting worse and worse and after a couple of months we broke up.
So now I was alone, having all the time in the world to read the Bible. No distractions, no excuses! So again I was encountering the same scriptures. Seeing I was single anyway I asked God to help me understand why it is an abomination to Him. I was willing and open to what the verses were saying. After all it is God saying it so I better get with the program. So here I was, asking God to give me understanding. I was fervently reading His word every day and my life was very peaceful. Except for one thing, every time I saw a beautiful woman my fantasy would run wild and I did not know how to control it. Of course the devil had a field day with this. I was being tormented with these fantasies and the same time I was being made to feel guilty about them and meanwhile still feeling attracted to women. Earlier I mentioned I started going to the international church. This is where God gave me the first “nugget”. There was a man of about 28 years of age preaching and the topic was “Let’s talk about sex”. He started talking about his life and how at some point he noticed he was attracted to men. Long story short; He started mentioning demonic forces and how he held on to the word of God saying it was an abomination, which was what I was already doing. He started explaining how Satan hates us and makes us do everything in opposition to God. How God created man and woman and He saw that it was good. (Side note, this was the only time I ever heard someone mention demons while preaching.) This was the beginning for me of actively letting go of this lifestyle. I am not saying that I succeeded immediately because I surely didn’t. I knew already that demons can plant thoughts in your head and also make you feel certain emotions; I just never knew how it worked exactly. I kept proclaiming that God made man and woman and He saw that it was good. I kept rebuking the spirit of homosexuality and it was in check most of the time. Sometimes it was under control and other times completely out of control. I accepted that this was the way I was going to live for the rest of my life.
Back to my life as a Christian
Skipping ahead to May 2018 to September 2018; I had found a new calling; Day trading. I had spent months studying day and night, and watching a lot of video’s on Youtube. I spent countless hours practicing on a demo account and I had gotten quite good at it. This was it!! So I was fasting and praying and reading the Word and I was day trading. So one night I woke up and I felt I had to open up the Bible, which was right beside my pillow, so I did and I started reading on the page it was on. The first verse my eyes fell upon was Mattithyahu 6:24 and I knew immediately that I was being presented a choice; Making loads of money with day trading or let day trading go and choose a life with God. I cried like a little baby and I told God that I would let day trading go but I would need His help doing that. I cried for a couple days and I was pretty angry at certain point but I chose God nonetheless.
Why I am no longer a Christian following Yahuah
So I let day trading go and I was keeping in mind that He knows best and He knows the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11). This is where Yahuah came in…well…was I in for a surprise when He started revealing all sorts of truth to me that went a 100% against Christianity. I am talking knowledge and truth of how worldly music puts spells on people, how God is not God but Elohim and His name is YAHUAH and the name of His son is Yahushua Ha’Mashiach and NOT “Jesus Christ”, the Meshiach is dark skinned and He was NOT hung on a cross, how the letter J only came into existence about 600 years ago, symbolism, Christianity is paganism, the pagan holidays, observing the Torah, and the Shabbat, and the appointed Feasts, the grand delusion that Yahuah Himself put in place for the ones who did not receive the love of the Truth (2 Thesselonians 2:10), the book of Enoch, the apocrypha…complete brain overload!!
All the knowledge I gained during my time in the occult came pouring back to me but now instead of “going crazy” everything fell in place. I was angry, amazed, relieved but mostly I was in complete AWE!!! I was looking at life through a new set of eyes because Yahuah had healed my blindness (Psalm 146:8; Acts 26:18)! I went back to doing research and I found out so many things that I was able to let go of all worldly things that were plaguing me for so long already, especially the lesbianism!!!With all this Truth and insight Yahuah was exposing me to I was suddenly completely disgusted with the lifestyle. My life became simple and I felt free. I came to understand that the only duty of man is to revere Elohim and to guard His commands! When He reveals Himself to you this is an easy thing to do (Ecclesiastes 12:13). Of course I still fell the demons trying to put nasty thoughts in my head but I use the Scriptures to counter the nasty lies they are trying to put there and the voices are then gone.
All I want to do now is read His Word, talk to Him all day long and let His will be done! I invite Him in every single aspect of my life and I trust Him with all my heart and I lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). I live in constant gratitude and I have a smile on my face 95% of the time…Why wouldn’t I…The Most High has chosen me (Ephesians 1:3-4)! I cannot describe how honored and humbled I am!!! I’m finally doing things that I have been trying to do for years but never had the energy or strength to do. I am truly living and experiencing the true meaning of I can do all things through the Mashiach who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
So now you know why I am no longer a Christian and why I am following Yahuah. So now, here I am, setting up a blog, instagram and a youtube channel to reach you! I am being led by the Ruach Ha’Qodesh to do this.
I will be updating this blog regularly and I also want to direct you to my youtube channel , Simply Being Free, where I uploaded a video of my testimony. There is some information there that I have not put in here. I would say subscribe to my blog, Instagram page, and my YouTube channel. I will be uploading more content as the Ruach will guide me to this. I pray that Yahuah keeps strengthening me to keep on His straight and narrow path and that He does the same for you who is reading this. That this blog may be a blessing to you in some form or another! I am going to wish you a very happy day, be blessed in Yahuah our Elohim!